It’s not uncommon that couples start fighting and make up, fight and make up again, until one day they fall apart for good. There's nothing wrong with fighting, but don’t neglect relationship issues. If you see your relationship suffering from one of the issues listed below, address it swiftly - and with the help of a therapist if you can afford it.
This is by no means a comprehensive list, but here are the top 10 reasons we see couples cite for seeking a divorce (consistent with statistics collected in a study funded by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development/National Institute of Health):
1. Lack of commitment
2. Infidelity
3. Domestic violence
4. Money
5. Lack of sex and emotional connection
6. Getting married too young/Changing values and priorities
7. Differences in parenting styles
8. Falling out of love
9. Loss of respect for one another
10. Inability to resolve conflicts
If your marriage is struggling for any reason at all, check out our reading list for working on yourself and your marriage:
Maybe You Should Talk to Someone
Ever wonder what your therapist is really thinking? Now you can find out ... Meet Lori Gottlieb, an insightful and compassionate therapist whose clients present with all kinds of problems. There's the struggling new parents; the older woman who feels she has nothing to live for; the self-destructive young alcoholic; and the terminally ill 35-year-old newlywed. And there's John, a narcissistic television producer, who frankly just seems to be a bit of a jerk. Over the course of a year, they all make progress.
But Gottlieb is not just a therapist she's also a patient who's on a journey of her own. Interspersed with the stories of her clients are her own therapy sessions, as Gottlieb goes in search of the hidden roots of a devastating and life-changing event. Personal, revealing, funny, and wise, Maybe You Should Talk to Someone opens a rare window onto a world that is most often bound by secrecy, offering an illuminating tour of a profoundly private process.
The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts
Falling in love is easy. Staying in love—that’s the challenge. How can you keep your relationship fresh and growing amid the demands, conflicts, and just plain boredom of everyday life?
In the #1 New York Times international bestseller The 5 Love Languages, you’ll discover the secret that has transformed millions of relationships worldwide. Whether your relationship is flourishing or failing, Dr. Gary Chapman’s proven approach to showing and receiving love will help you experience deeper and richer levels of intimacy with your partner—starting today.
The 5 Love Languages is as practical as it is insightful. Updated to reflect the complexities of relationships today, this new edition reveals intrinsic truths and applies relevant, actionable wisdom in ways that work.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
John Gottman's unprecedented study of couples over a period of years has allowed him to observe the habits that can make—and break—a marriage. Here is the culmination of that work: the seven principles that guide couples on a path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship. Straightforward yet profound, these principles teach partners new approaches for resolving conflicts, creating new common ground, and achieving greater levels of intimacy.
Gottman offers strategies and resources to help couples collaborate more effectively to resolve any problem, whether dealing with issues related to sex, money, religion, work, family, or anything else.
... and if you just need an escape, having nothing to do with divorce or parenting, read my favorite book,
Mikhail Bulgakov’s fantastical, funny, and devastating satire of Soviet life combines two distinct yet interwoven parts, one set in contemporary Moscow, the other in ancient Jerusalem, each brimming with historical, imaginary, frightful, and wonderful characters. Written during the darkest days of Stalin’s reign, and finally published in 1966 and 1967, The Master and Margarita became a literary phenomenon, signaling artistic and spiritual freedom for Russians everywhere.
1. Lack of commitment
The number one reason couples cite for divorcing is NOT money or infidelity, but rather a lack of commitment. If one partner feels like the other is not pulling his or her weight, this is a recipe for marital discord.
Women initiate almost 70 percent of divorces according to 2015 research from the American Sociological Association. The conventional wisdom states that the division of household labor and chores has changed over the years somewhat, but not evolved to fit modern expectations. Married men contribute more to household tasks today than ever before, but still, the division of labor isn’t equal, especially for working mothers, who still do more household work.
Sharing household chores is good for marriage, which is something that both men and women agree on. In fact, when men contribute equally to household chores, couples tend to have more frequent and satisfying sex. Nevertheless, we've found that many couples have satisfying marriages even when one partner tends to do most of the household work, so long as the other partner goes above and beyond to make the other feel appreciated.
The Five Love Languages is probably the least scientifically rigorous concept Both Matter endorses. It is eminently useful for building successful marriages. If you're not pulling your weight around the house, the best thing to do is start pulling your weight. If you can't, learn your partner's love language and let him or her know how much you appreciate the additional work using his or her love language.